It's hard work making leaflets!

PUBLISHED: 12:25 28 July 2006 | UPDATED: 22:00 28 May 2010

They work hard at Fenland Hall. In fact the good folk of Fenland District Council sent me a leaflet on Monday telling me that indeed they really are working hard to provide excellent services to you. It would be better English to say those services were

They work hard at Fenland Hall. In fact the good folk of Fenland District Council sent me a leaflet on Monday telling me that indeed they really are "working hard to provide excellent services to you."

It would be better English to say those services were "for me", not "to me" - but it's obvious they are truly working hard because they sent me another copy of the same leaflet on Tuesday.

Its back page tells me the good things they're doing. They're recycling rubbish, huge amounts of it. The amount is so huge it's "equivalent to the same weight as 1,614 double decker buses". Here I get worried. Has some Fenland executive been sent out to weigh a double-decker bus? Was it full or empty? Was it one of Emblings' old bangers or a posh new Stagecoach vehicle?

Did that same executive then divide our rubbish into piles of the same weight? Hopefully, he was simply bored one afternoon and started playing with a pocket calculator, working out "interesting" facts.

I say "he", not she, because it's such a nerdish activity that I can't imagine a woman wasting her time this way.

Another "fact" on the leaflet is equally baffling. Apparently, if all our wheelie bins were laid end to end, they'd cross the English Channel twice. The moment I'm told such news, I'm terrified some poor council clerk was made to tie a string of bins together and float them on a Fenland waterway.

Did he find an easy way of tying the wheels of one bin to the handles of the next one? How long did it take him to secure the lids so the bins didn't all fill with water and sink? While his system worked on a stagnant Fen drain, would it work on a choppy English Channel?

If Fenland Council really wants us to like them, I think it needs some pithy advertising slogans. It might borrow or adapt some from the supermarkets. "Every little helps - and we mean 'little'." Or what about something more traditional: "Since I started paying council tax to Fenland, I've paid no other council tax."

Of course, some campaigns might backfire. Would you believe the slogan "Roll Back taxes with Fenland"? Or even "Fenland District Council: you know it makes sense".

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