So sorry - my size clearly makes bad news a fat accompli
PUBLISHED: 12:53 01 September 2006 | UPDATED: 22:10 28 May 2010
I WOULD like to offer my sincere apologies for the really dreadful environmental impact that my existence has on the local community (Fat of the Land, front page last week). I am one of the shameful obese, and I was mortified (does that make me morbidly o
I WOULD like to offer my sincere apologies for the really dreadful environmental impact that my existence has on the local community (Fat of the Land, front page last week).
I am one of the shameful obese, and I was mortified (does that make me morbidly obese?) to read about how my shocking deviance has impacted on the lives of 18-24-year-old males killed on Fenland roads; how the mere sight of me makes people smoke more than the national average; and how the NHS is crumbling under the enormity of the additional costs I bring to it by apparently living a shorter life.
Obviously obesity causes coronary heart disease. I mean when doctors asks if there's any family history of CHD, what they're trying to ascertain is which grandparent was responsible for over-feeding you.
Obviously the prime cause of lung cancer in smokers is obesity, regardless of whether the person is obese. And clearly the elevated rates of suicide in the Fens are directly attributable to the pressure of having to live with so many obese people.
So for these crimes against humanity I would like to beseech your forgiveness.
You know, it had never occurred to me to diet. What an excellent idea. I think I might try it. I'll cross my fingers and hope that I'll fall into the five-10 per cent success category.
That way, at least people will stop having motor vehicle accidents and will stop buying cigarettes.
I'm sure your detailed and objective report must have missed a few other societal evils for which I am responsible, but no doubt you can follow that up next week alongside all the success stories of the evil-doers who changed their lives for the better by shedding a few stone after discovering your miracle cure.
Well what can I say? Thanks for pointing it out to me. I honestly didn't realise I was having such a deleterious effect on the local community.