2006 sporting crystal ball

JANUARY JOE Perry wins the Masters at Wembley after convincing victories over Ronnie O Sullivan, Peter Ebdon, Matthew Stevens and Stephen Hendry ... no pressure there then Joe. In the Euro 2008 qualifying draw in Montreux, there is a shock as Poland and E


JOE Perry wins the Masters at Wembley after convincing victories over Ronnie O'Sullivan, Peter Ebdon, Matthew Stevens and Stephen Hendry ... no pressure there then Joe.

In the Euro 2008 qualifying draw in Montreux, there is a shock as Poland and England are drawn in the same group ..... again.


IN a sprint finish, Sean Brown, from March, wins the eight-day Yukon Arctic Ultra by 0.001 seconds, ahead of last year's winner Stefano Miglietti. The official records show that the two completed the 300-mile course in only four days and that 'A Bear' was a close third. However, we then realise that the record times were down to both men being chased by a mad grizzly for 250 miles.

The Winter Olympics in Turin get us all hooked on various forms of sliding for two weeks. A British couple win the figure skating ice dance gold with a wonderful and tear-jerking performance, receiving perfect marks for artistic impression as they skate to Joe Dolce's 'Shaddap you Face.'

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THE Formula One season gets underway and there is huge excitement as Kimi Raikkonen wins the Malaysian Grand Prix from pole position.

The FIA's efforts to liven up the sport, with the introduction of oil slick-producing and drawing pin-releasing devices on each car, backfire as Raikkonen takes everyone out at the first corner.

THINGS look bad for the England team at the Commonwealth Games in Melbourne when many of them are struck down with a mysterious disease. However, young Fenland athletes Dan and Glen Watts, Dan and Martin Tinkler, Leah Parsons and Louise Hazel all receive emergency call-ups to the team and all win gold.


CHATTERIS goes 'snooker loopy' yet again as Masters champion Joe Perry challenges for the World Championship title in Sheffield.

THE greens at Augusta, Georgia are polished and cranked up a few more degrees for the Masters. Tiger Woods' challenge ends as he slips on the 12th green and slides down in to the lake.

THE Grand National is won by 1000-1 outsider 'Mr Donkey'. Thus, cue two hours of 'heart-warming' stories on Grandstand about how the horse was nearly put down three years ago and how the jockey missed last year's race after stubbing his toe.

WISBECH Town clinch promotion from the Ridgeons Premier League thanks to a last minute winner against Harwich & Parkeston while March Town United end their five-month unbeaten run in style with an 8-0 victory at home to Swaffham.


CREWE Alexandra win the FA Cup final with a 6-0 destruction of Chelsea. The Alex also avoid relegation from the Championship on the last day of the season (again).

Norwich City win the play-off final thanks to a goal from Dean Ashton. Ashton then immediately announces that he is to return to 'his spiritual home' ... yes, Crewe Alexandra. Did I mention that I was a Crewe fan?

Many of us will start to watch the Monaco Grand Prix but the sight of hundreds of ultra-rich people sitting on yachts and drinking champagne will lead to jealousy-induced indigestion, switching off the television and muttering something along the lines of 'flipping lucky individuals'.


THE country goes bananas as England kick off their World Cup campaign in Germany.

I have spent months telling people who have said that we can win the World Cup to 'shut up' and 'not be so stupid'.

However, I can predict that I will be in a totally drunken state, jumping around like an idiot and shouting obscenities when Owen Hargreaves is brought on, just like the rest of you lot.

There is more patriotic hysteria as 'Henmania' and 'Murray Madness' sweep Wimbledon.

The sight of Centre Court packed with hundreds of middle aged women dressed in ridiculous Union Jack outfits and shouting 'Come on Tim!' brings tears to my eyes - tears of pain.


ENGLAND win the World Cup (I knew they would, honest) and Tim Henman produces a stunning performance to win Wimbledon (I always knew he would, honest).


THE Premiership season starts and the football world is stunned as Jose Mourinho, Alex Ferguson and Arsene Wenger (all wearing 'May The Best Man Win' T-shirts) call a truce with a group hug.

Furthermore, Sam Allardyce, David O'Leary and Neil Warnock sing 'We Are The World' at a Football League referee conference. The world of sport is beautiful sometimes.


AFTER sinking the Ryder Cup-winning put on the 18th at the K Club, Sergio Garcia breaks out in to a celebratory samba.

In jubilant scenes, the rest of the team join in but the celebration quickly turns to mayhem when Darren Clarke's cigar burns a hole in Ian Poulter's trousers and sets light to Miguel Angel Jiminez's ponytail.


THE utterly tedious Formula One season comes to an end. I wonder if I have been watching the same races as commentators describe it as 'the most exciting season yet'.


IT'S the Ashes and this time it's war. England defend the little brown pot and I travel to the first test in Brisbane to roll cricket balls under the feet of the Ozzie bowlers as they warm up - the sight of an injured Brett Lee being carried off the pitch on an electric cart makes the trip all worthwhile.


THANKS to my help, England draw the series and retain the Ashes.

FENLAND goes wild as athletes Dan and Glen Watts, Martin and Daniel Tinkler, Leah Parsons and Louise Hazel all share the BBC Sports Personality award for their performances in the Commonwealth Games.

However, the BBC then goes and spoils it all by describing Fenland as 'sleepy' - Bah!